In DC now. The drive was both great and terrible. We started the trip by getting about 1/2 hour out and realized that we did not have our meds. The upset is that we weren’t in DC when we realized. The down side was loosing 1 hour of time and just being annoying. Not a crisis, but not a great way to start our trip. This drive was a lot better because we were both awake and we were all engaging with each other. That makes it a lot better for me. We played some ABC games and laughed a bunch. I really enjoyed their company. Near the end of the trip, about the last 3 hours is when the terrible came. A car went onto the off ramp and then turned and came back onto the highway. I didn’t have any good options. There was a car in front, behind and to my left. I really thought I was going to get hit. I was going 65mph and I have no idea how fast they were going. People get really hurt at that kind of speed. I was afraid Monkey was going to get hurt because he was on that side. I flipped my blinker and was blessed that the driver on my flank slowed down quickly to let me pull out of the way of the asshole putting my family at risk for no great reason. To make it worse, the guy then sped up and pulled right out in front of me where there wasn’t enough room and almost hit the car in front of me. Luckily they sped up and the asshole got through without hitting anyone. Do people really not see that when you are driving you are controlling a large death machine? Cars kill people and it is usually because the drivers are not making good choices. If someone is doing everything right, they can still get in an accident and I wouldn’t be angry with them about that. But this really pushed my rage button. But even worse then that was the anxiety it evoked. I have a really hard time not being in control of a situation and the reality is that I had almost no control over how well things came out. The problem with anxiety it that once it spikes it is really hard to turn it off. I am already out side my comfort zone and the anxiety is already there, but it had been low and very manageable. This was a challenge. Then the rain came. Hard rain. The visibility was crap. It was dark so the lights reflected off everything, making the visibility worse. That lengthened out trip because I had to slow down to be safe. And the anxiety went up. By the time we got into DC my anxiety was nearly at the panic point. This is a bad place to be. You have to think about it so you can strategize to manage it. But that easily becomes perseveration which makes the anxiety worse. Falling down the rabbit hole. But we’re here and we are safe. I chewed the fuck out of my lips. Bad habit. And smoked a crazy amount. Nothing like dipping into those negative coping skills. It’s amazing how hard it can be even when you know and have better tools in your box. Practicing when it isn’t that bad is when it starts so you have the habits when you’re in a rough spot and kind of reaching for those coping skills blindly. It is days like today that make me feel like a hypocrite. How can I help other people manage their symptoms when I struggle with my own? I’m trying to remind myself that there are always bad days. Regardless of the coping skills set, knowledge or med management. There will be bad days and those bad days don’t define us. They are just a part of the large picture that makes us who we are. And everyone has bad days. Ok, I’m done with my self pep talk! And I’m done wallowing. Dragon and Monkey are sleeping. I’m chilling. Relaxing so I can wind down to get some sleep. Got plenty of time. We have to check out at noon. Thinking about the day now, I can’t help but laugh at myself. One of my triggers was when we got to the hotel we discovered it was valet parking only. I about lost my shit. Little Blue is my car and I’m the only one who drives her. Having a stranger drive her was literally a terrible thought at the moment. Silly, but the panic was very real in that moment. I’m proud of myself because I was able to give over the key and walk away. I worked it through. That’s what you have to do when this shit hits. You have no choice but to work through it but you can choose how you will get through. Over all I did fair and have learned where I need to continue to work. That’s the way you move forward. I’m rambling now.


About piggie4299

I am Myself I am a Wife Blessed with love I am a Mother Endowed with divinity Through the power of creation I am a Daughter Brought into this world With unending hope And the promise of the future I am a Sister Made fierce and strong While forged with kindness Protector and protected Spiraling together forever I am a Nurse Holding out the hands of healing And offering the sick comfort And the dying love Knowing that through this All things are healed and made whole I am a Writer Creating myself and world Sharing the inner depths of humanity Bringing together the divine And the humble mortal I tell the story of the Goddess And am remembered forever

Posted on July 28, 2016, in The Pig's Life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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